Why am I not enough?

Disclaimer : I don’t need help. This is not a cry for help. This is just ranting and I’ll figure things out for myself. But I just wanted to wonder about this particular WHY. See, every time I fall sick, which is quite often. My parents have just one thing to say. It’s either, you don’t sleep early. You don’t eat properly. You don’t drink enough water. And then there’s the cellphone blame. For me, there’s an additional, “It’s all because you have your nose buried in those fantasy books.”

Know what irks me though is when my dad, himself, shows it off to his friends whenever the chance shows about how I read, how much anime I watch, and then how I pick up languages and shit. And then I fall sick, and I think it’s because he feels helpless. He doesn’t know what to do and so he goes blames everything that defines me for it. I CANT AND WONT BE MY FATHER. I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON. But, that does not stop either of my parents from trying to force me into becoming someone I’m not. I know how my life is gonna end. Every Indian girl knows the moment they are born. Married and being blamed for not being enough.

So let me at least do something I want to do while I’m at my own home. You know what, I hate my own house now. All that’s left for me here is my room. They won’t even let me come sit up here cos! My mum feels lonely.

My mum goes and complains to my father about how I don’t talk. How I hole myself in my room when I’m sick. LADY, I AM SICK. WHAT DOES DAD DO WHEN HES SICK?! At least I am not troubling you and complaining about it. When I say this, they want me to complain!!! When I do, they pretend like I’m fine. WHAT THE FCK AM I SUPPPOSED TO DO, SOMEBODY TELL ME!!!!!!

Omg…are grown ups even grown ups? They suck. I’m so done with life. I practically see no future that would be to my liking. I wanna almost pray for a miracle that my life ends sooner that planned.

Adults – the cowards of the world.

Yes, I’m saying this because I’m not one. But also because I am very close to being forced into becoming one. It’s a war I endure every waking day. You may not entirely agree with me on this. And it’s probably because you’re an adult. Sucks to be you.

No offence intended, you know it does, in truth. Adults are a bunch of cowardly beings who simply point blame at whatever or whoever is closest to their proximity, when a problem arises and they feel weighed down under the pressure of their “responsibilities”. They call whoever isn’t an adult, a child. And then proceed to throw tantrums like it were pebbles and the situation was a glistening deep pool.

There are these two adults and their sick child. The child has a condition that both adults have no explanation for, despite them both being doctors. So that leaves them with what? Excuses, of course.

They blame the child of doing this, eating that, going there, talking to which dog and what plant. They’re adults, so they know enough excuses to give and are even entitled to repeat a few! Gasp! Such power.

When in truth, under all this lame behaviour they exhibit, they’re afraid and helpless. And sometimes, just sometimes, I feel bad for them. Like I do right now, that I’ve vented out everything I’d kept suppressed and have nothing left to hold against them. Until the next time, of course.

Oh there’s always a next time. I just hope I endure a miracle before I get turned into one of them. I’ve always wanted to become a werewolf. It’s never too late. Let me get some coins, dig out my dowsing rod and find that darned Wishing Well.

Wish me luck!

My name is Red.

Well that obviously isn’t my real name. Ha. But it’s who I am. I’m not the person who responds to the name I’m called, in the world I live in. I am Red, in all truth of being.

Why did I start this blog?

It’s not rhetorical. I want to be asked that question, so that I can figure it out myself. I’ve enough books I’m working on. More than enough responsibilities I keep getting dumped with in real life. No, no, I’m not complaining. I’m being honest. Why start off at another place, that requires my constant effort?

I’d say, for now, that it’s for want to be entirely myself. For want to be Red. Instead of hiding that person under a bright red cape, I want to expose her with this new chance. All of her quirks and scars and everything that’s been hidden behind a shining halo. I want to let her take the lead for this once. But I warn you, as real as she is, her sanity isn’t guaranteed. But the rabbit hole wouldn’t be so exciting and curious if it were but a dull place, right?

So you’re welcome, to join me as I run away from my fairy tale and off to some forsaken land where I can save a demon, get cursed and live a happily ever after with none of my mind intact.

Are you game?